Letting Go
I know this is an autism blog but today I write about my family and the lesson I can't seem to learn from cancer. I have never been good at letting go or giving up. I have always been a strong, persistent person who never takes no for an answer. I have conditioned myself through my experience with autism to just keep going no matter what and fight for my son. This is what I do.
I am not prepared, however, for what is happening to my mother. She is my best friend, my mother, my children's grandmother, my endless supporter. Even though she was diagnosed over 10 months ago, I still can't imagine life without her and have not come to terms with the fact she may die.
Since the warmth of summer, the light within my mom has withstood the storms of cancer. The seasons are lost on me since her first hospitalization occurred in October. Today, my mom's cancer has ravaged her body. She has been hospitalized more often than anyone cares to be yet she continues to fight. At this point, she barely eats or drinks. My father is consumed with grief and can rarely get through a sentence without crying. His lifelong partner lies in a hospital bed withering away while we all watch helplessly.
As I sit with my brother, I tell him that I hope tomorrow will be better. He and I both know that tomorrow may be different but not necessarily better. We cling to the things that bring us together like enjoying our dogs or watching a movie. And then tomorrow comes, and we continue watch the downward spiral of Mom's health.
Today, I call my Dad at the hospital, and he tearfully tells me how my mom does not have much time. They want her to go to hospice? I don't know what is real and what isn't. I don't want to go to the hospital anymore. I want to go to sleep and wake up and see if things are different tomorrow. I can't accept my mother's illness or her death. I can't let go.
I get angry with God for doing this to her. Why does cancer happen to good people? She is a good person. Can't he take someone else? Why her? Why now? I feel badly for being angry at God but sometimes this just happens. I was angry too about the autism and Ty. But over time, I accepted the autism and feel that maybe there is a reason why each one of us gets a child with autism. I try to help others touched by autism and hope that somehow I am giving back.
But my mother dying makes no sense to me. I can't see the good in this. I don't think I will ever understand why this is happening to her. Maybe that is God's point? Maybe we aren't supposed to know why? I don't know and I don't care. I just want her well. Maybe I just have to accept what is happening to my mom? That would be the rational thing to do, right?
But I am not feeling rational as I look down at my mother in the hospital bed. She is unable to speak clearly because of the strokes. She has been nauseous for months and is no longer really eating. She tells me she loves me as she always does. And I tell her that I love her and that she is such a great mom and friend. I tell her how much I still need her and I begin to sob at her side. This is the first time since the cancer I have visibly broken down in front of her. The gravity of the situation pushes me to share my emotions...I cannot hide my overwhelming sadness any longer.
Tomorrow I will re institute hiding grief as a pillar of strength is supposed to do. My family needs me strong. Even though my husband sees the grief through my smiles, my kids expect nothing less than the strong mom they know. I have to learn to accept this situation for them. I just can't do it today. I am not sure if I will ever truly accept the death of my mother.
In the meantime, I will be the cheerleader for my mom and my family. I will pray for my mom during the day's brief moments of silence. I will hug my husband and children and tell them I love them. I will write some more and wonder “why”. I will hope and keep faith for a miracle that I cannot see.
I am not prepared, however, for what is happening to my mother. She is my best friend, my mother, my children's grandmother, my endless supporter. Even though she was diagnosed over 10 months ago, I still can't imagine life without her and have not come to terms with the fact she may die.
Since the warmth of summer, the light within my mom has withstood the storms of cancer. The seasons are lost on me since her first hospitalization occurred in October. Today, my mom's cancer has ravaged her body. She has been hospitalized more often than anyone cares to be yet she continues to fight. At this point, she barely eats or drinks. My father is consumed with grief and can rarely get through a sentence without crying. His lifelong partner lies in a hospital bed withering away while we all watch helplessly.
As I sit with my brother, I tell him that I hope tomorrow will be better. He and I both know that tomorrow may be different but not necessarily better. We cling to the things that bring us together like enjoying our dogs or watching a movie. And then tomorrow comes, and we continue watch the downward spiral of Mom's health.
Today, I call my Dad at the hospital, and he tearfully tells me how my mom does not have much time. They want her to go to hospice? I don't know what is real and what isn't. I don't want to go to the hospital anymore. I want to go to sleep and wake up and see if things are different tomorrow. I can't accept my mother's illness or her death. I can't let go.
I get angry with God for doing this to her. Why does cancer happen to good people? She is a good person. Can't he take someone else? Why her? Why now? I feel badly for being angry at God but sometimes this just happens. I was angry too about the autism and Ty. But over time, I accepted the autism and feel that maybe there is a reason why each one of us gets a child with autism. I try to help others touched by autism and hope that somehow I am giving back.
But my mother dying makes no sense to me. I can't see the good in this. I don't think I will ever understand why this is happening to her. Maybe that is God's point? Maybe we aren't supposed to know why? I don't know and I don't care. I just want her well. Maybe I just have to accept what is happening to my mom? That would be the rational thing to do, right?
But I am not feeling rational as I look down at my mother in the hospital bed. She is unable to speak clearly because of the strokes. She has been nauseous for months and is no longer really eating. She tells me she loves me as she always does. And I tell her that I love her and that she is such a great mom and friend. I tell her how much I still need her and I begin to sob at her side. This is the first time since the cancer I have visibly broken down in front of her. The gravity of the situation pushes me to share my emotions...I cannot hide my overwhelming sadness any longer.
Tomorrow I will re institute hiding grief as a pillar of strength is supposed to do. My family needs me strong. Even though my husband sees the grief through my smiles, my kids expect nothing less than the strong mom they know. I have to learn to accept this situation for them. I just can't do it today. I am not sure if I will ever truly accept the death of my mother.
In the meantime, I will be the cheerleader for my mom and my family. I will pray for my mom during the day's brief moments of silence. I will hug my husband and children and tell them I love them. I will write some more and wonder “why”. I will hope and keep faith for a miracle that I cannot see.
Your story touched me. Thanks for writing it as hard as it was and is. Your family will be in my prayers.
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