A Matter of Trust
Whether your child with autism is a toddler or a teenager, trusting another person with the future of your child can be very difficult. Ironically, “trusting” is the very thing parents with children of autism are asked to do over and over again.
So how interesting it was this week when someone flat out asked me to please just “trust them” with my son. Since this person happens to be a mom of a child with autism and is amazing when it comes to working with my son, trust was granted without hesitation. But on many occasions, I find myself holding trust as if it is the greatest treasure on earth. And perhaps, trust is just that, a gift, a treasure, something to be earned.
If you read my earlier blog, the beginning of the school year was a little rough. While I managed to resolve the issue, it took several days to get a reasonable explanation from administrators. Sadly, this situation could have been easily resolved if the administration understood the reasons for the class assignment and had a desire to communicate clearly. Thankfully, the teacher explained the situation in detail, and I really appreciated her taking time to communicate with me.
I was left questioning why it is so seemingly difficult for school administrators to communicate with parents. It is as if information is given only on a “need to know basis” as if I am in a secret government organization. But I am not. I am in a taxpayer funded school system where the salaries are paid by me, you and everyone else who lives in our community. So, what is the deal?
Giving administrators the benefit of the doubt, I would say it is ignorance on their part about the level of detail parents need about a given situation. Parents of children with autism like details. Administrators are generalists, looking at what is best for the whole school and are just not big on the details.
Sometimes when I ask questions or request information, I honestly get a sense that administrators surprised I am even asking. It is as if they can’t even comprehend why I would care about the details of a situation. Some administrators are just busy and barely have the time to call or email you with a response let alone give you details.
In real life, when I get “real” about why administrators sometimes don’t communicate well, I often sense arrogance during our conversations. There is great power in administrative positions, and they know it. And we all know what they say about “absolute power”. They are in charge of teachers and staff, and sometimes I think they believe the parents work for them too. So when I ask a question, I may get an authoritarian response as if to say, “Because I said so”. No real communication because they see no need. They are the “boss” so we should just fall in line and get with the program.
Luckily for the children, most parents of children with autism are strong moms and dads. We do not fall in line and accept vague answers. Rather, we tend to press for details until they are given with sufficient clarity. We have come too far with our children not to get honest answers to questions. When we do not get the information we require, the lack of communication is destined to create conflict.
Interestingly enough, I have found that most teachers do want to communicate with parents. Most teachers do care and understand why you need to know the details. Most teachers want to earn your trust with your children. My son has had extraordinary teachers throughout the years who communicated well and often. I will be forever grateful for their dedication to educating my child.
Perhaps teachers have learned something that administrators fail to learn. Effective communication goes a long way to build trust and also helps to avoid conflicts with parents. While I suspect “effective communication skills” is listed in the job requirements for administrators, I wonder if they ever do a self-check to make sure they are indeed communicating well.
Parents of children with autism know that we do not have room to make mistakes with our children. Given a negative learning experience, our children may not “bounce back” like a typical child. We know that one bad experience could set our children back so far they may not recover.
Therefore, as parents of children with autism, we are a bit stingy with our trust. Yet we are willing to give it to those who deserve and earn our “gift” of trust. Professionals and administrators must continually employ effective and honest communication to build, earn and keep parent trust. When this happens, the answer to the request, “Will you please trust me with your child?” is more likely to be a resounding, “Yes.”
Back to http://www.autisminreallife.com
So how interesting it was this week when someone flat out asked me to please just “trust them” with my son. Since this person happens to be a mom of a child with autism and is amazing when it comes to working with my son, trust was granted without hesitation. But on many occasions, I find myself holding trust as if it is the greatest treasure on earth. And perhaps, trust is just that, a gift, a treasure, something to be earned.
If you read my earlier blog, the beginning of the school year was a little rough. While I managed to resolve the issue, it took several days to get a reasonable explanation from administrators. Sadly, this situation could have been easily resolved if the administration understood the reasons for the class assignment and had a desire to communicate clearly. Thankfully, the teacher explained the situation in detail, and I really appreciated her taking time to communicate with me.
I was left questioning why it is so seemingly difficult for school administrators to communicate with parents. It is as if information is given only on a “need to know basis” as if I am in a secret government organization. But I am not. I am in a taxpayer funded school system where the salaries are paid by me, you and everyone else who lives in our community. So, what is the deal?
Giving administrators the benefit of the doubt, I would say it is ignorance on their part about the level of detail parents need about a given situation. Parents of children with autism like details. Administrators are generalists, looking at what is best for the whole school and are just not big on the details.
Sometimes when I ask questions or request information, I honestly get a sense that administrators surprised I am even asking. It is as if they can’t even comprehend why I would care about the details of a situation. Some administrators are just busy and barely have the time to call or email you with a response let alone give you details.
In real life, when I get “real” about why administrators sometimes don’t communicate well, I often sense arrogance during our conversations. There is great power in administrative positions, and they know it. And we all know what they say about “absolute power”. They are in charge of teachers and staff, and sometimes I think they believe the parents work for them too. So when I ask a question, I may get an authoritarian response as if to say, “Because I said so”. No real communication because they see no need. They are the “boss” so we should just fall in line and get with the program.
Luckily for the children, most parents of children with autism are strong moms and dads. We do not fall in line and accept vague answers. Rather, we tend to press for details until they are given with sufficient clarity. We have come too far with our children not to get honest answers to questions. When we do not get the information we require, the lack of communication is destined to create conflict.
Interestingly enough, I have found that most teachers do want to communicate with parents. Most teachers do care and understand why you need to know the details. Most teachers want to earn your trust with your children. My son has had extraordinary teachers throughout the years who communicated well and often. I will be forever grateful for their dedication to educating my child.
Perhaps teachers have learned something that administrators fail to learn. Effective communication goes a long way to build trust and also helps to avoid conflicts with parents. While I suspect “effective communication skills” is listed in the job requirements for administrators, I wonder if they ever do a self-check to make sure they are indeed communicating well.
Parents of children with autism know that we do not have room to make mistakes with our children. Given a negative learning experience, our children may not “bounce back” like a typical child. We know that one bad experience could set our children back so far they may not recover.
Therefore, as parents of children with autism, we are a bit stingy with our trust. Yet we are willing to give it to those who deserve and earn our “gift” of trust. Professionals and administrators must continually employ effective and honest communication to build, earn and keep parent trust. When this happens, the answer to the request, “Will you please trust me with your child?” is more likely to be a resounding, “Yes.”
Back to http://www.autisminreallife.com
I loved this. I couldn't have said it better. I am going through some major difficulties with my district right now. Your words were truly inspirational. I wish that you lived in my neck of the woods.
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